JUST THE TWO OF US

July 17, 2014 - Leave a Response

My husband travels a fair amount for work, and sometimes for pleasure. Today he’s making a long weekend visit to Vancouver for a boys weekend with his best buddy who’s coming from Baltimore. Life long friends getting a rare few days to pack in some quality friend time.

His travel leaves me as the lone parent, caregiver, creator of fun activities, and master of distraction for my son. It means juggling my work day so I can get the boy to school (summer school in this case), and then pick him up at the end of the day from camp, or to find a willing chaperone for the day. It means getting us both up, him fed, lunch prepared and packed, me showered, both of us dressed, him sunblocked, braced and shoed, settled in his wheelchair ready to start the day, and on his way either with me or with said chaperone.

Then off to work for me and reverse the events. It sounds daunting but strangely, when it’s just the two of us, it all goes more smoothly than when my husband is there taking on most of the morning prep since I tend to take longer to get myself ready than he does.

I dawdle. I review emails to get a jump on the work day. I sip coffee and visit with Cole while he has breakfast. Take my time applying a little make-up, and then help with some of the boy prep…I always do braces and shoes.

When it’s the two of us alone, I am a machine…I get everything prepped, shower, dry my hair, swipe a little lipstick and dress all before he’s even finished his breakfast. Lunch gets packed and backpack checked and Cole is sunscreened, dressed, and we’re out the door on time, where we need to be on time. And it all feels easy and manageable.

Perhaps having just one of us to answer to and rely upon is easier than dealing with the two of us. He knows that even with me running around he has my full attention, which he seems to crave. For me, I know that I’m the only one who’s going to be taking care of him, addressing his needs, so I’m more proactive and on top of things. I feel like it would be quite a feat to manage to find a balance when it’s the three of us in action. It generally works okay but there are fits and starts that throw things off. Something to work towards…

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Five Minutes

July 16, 2014 - Leave a Response

Time is one commodity completely eludes me.  Despite my efforts to stretch the given twenty four hours each day, I find that they’re eaten up by little bites of five minutes. My husband is traveling so I’m solo for the next coming days and the bites have become very defined:  It takes five minutes to wake and unwrap  the boy (he sleeps in bracing), five minutes to get him settled and find a TV show for him to watch, five minutes to get his breakfast ready and coffee brewing, five minutes to run through the sixty emails that have arrived since bedtime, five minutes to collect and start a load of laundry, five minutes to toss the ball to the dogs so they feel the love, five minutes to take a quick pass at cleaning up the kitchen, five minutes to get the dogs fed and to ply me with coffee, five minutes to shower, five minutes to dress, five minutes to dry my hair, five minutes to attempt pretty, five minutes to collect the dynavox, homework, lunch and pack it all up in the car, five minutes to make up the beds and wipe down the bathroom counter, to get the boy changed and dressed, five minutes to do braces and shoes and get him set in wheelchair, five minutes to get him tethered into the van and get the music set up and us ready to leave for school…and we’re off…

Don’t get me started with the bites taken commuting in traffic.  Yesterday I drove the boy twenty minutes north to school, returned south for an hour and forty five minutes to work, and then in the afternoon an hour from work to pick him up at school and twenty minutes to home…Over three hours of my days wasted driving.  Oh how I wish the commute was just five minutes!

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Driving Lessons

July 16, 2014 - Leave a Response

My twelve and a half year old son has started driving lessons. No, not those driving lessons – power wheelchair driving lessons! It coincides with the car driving lessons my nearly sixteen year old niece is taking right now. Both kids are more excited and far less nervous than I felt at the prospect of getting my driver’s license way back when.

I didn’t like driving and was among the younger of the girls in my gaggle of friends so I didn’t feel the lack of freedom that driving would afford. I had willing friends to get me wherever I needed or wanted to be without the hassle of having to drive or worry about getting a car. I was nearly seventeen when I finally dragged my mom to the DMV for my driving test, which I passed handily, though I still had little interest in actually driving! To be honest, I’m still not a fan.

Today though, my son and niece are both anticipating the independence and freedom that will come with their success at driving lessons. Both are taking it seriously and enthusiastically practicing with the intention of having the ability to take off on their own once they’re, for my niece licensed, and for my son approved for a power wheelchair.

For him it will mean he’ll have the ability, for the first time in his life, to move himself entirely by choice and to places entirely of his choosing. His free will is somewhat trapped by his own body and by the obedience of his parents, caregivers, and friends who fall in the charge of pushing his wheelchair to the places he needs to be or where we want him to be, but not always or necessarily to where he chooses to be.

It’s hard to fathom what this new freedom will feel like to him.

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Transitions

July 1, 2014 - Leave a Response

Transitions are always difficult and stressful on the boy.  He doesn’t discriminate between good change or bad.  He just doesn’t cope well with any end and beginning.  I know this is not limited to special needs kids, but in his case, the only case I have personal experience with, the fact that he cannot vocalize his concerns means he internalizes most of his fears.  It results in sleepless nights, clingy behavior (mom in particular is a security blanket), and grouchy behavior.  It also results in reverting to comfort TV and music.

I try to consider all of the things that might be going through that beautiful brain of his so we can talk about it together.  I want to quell his concerns and address any fears he has so he can move past it without it having to much effect.  I try to anticipate the sorts of things that will cause him stress.  Sometimes I’m successful.  I’ve considered having him see a therapist.  There are therapists who work with non-verbal kids…Something I’m a bit mixed on because I don’t exactly understand how they can interpret the feelings of someone who can’t speak and with whom the therapist has little to no history with.  I’ve spent his whole life trying to understand how his brain works and what he thinks about life.  I’m not all that successful at it.  At least that’s how it feels sometimes.

Summer is full of transitions for the boy so there’s a lot of disrupt in our lives.  The school year ends.  Summer starts. A couple of weeks of cooking camp.  Then summer school and day camp in the afternoons – four weeks of this so there’s hope for some calm after a week! We’re taking a little family road trip to explore the Grand Canyon.  And then two more weeks of camp until…School starts again…Whew.  I’m already excited for the new school year.  It brings with it the promise of peace.

 

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Two years and a half years goes by…

June 30, 2014 - Leave a Response

Talk about procrastination! Two and a half years ago I attempted to write frequently and to share the wild ride we call life with our almost teenage son who has cerebral palsy (non-verbal and non-ambulatory). A little background…He came into this world without a breath. It took twelve minutes for him to take his first breath. I don’t know if that essentially means he was born dead, and came to life, or what? It always strikes me as odd. He fought crazy odds and left the hospital with a g-tube (still has it), weighing over ten pounds, and a lot of uncertainty. We welcomed him home with lots of love, determination and the desire to give him the best life. He’s been through surgeries, lots of therapies, and more doctor’s appointments than most people have in a long lifetime. He handles it with grace (usually).

He’s been part of inclusive education since he was a year old, and is now going into 7th grade. He’s on honor roll most school years and spent the last year getting to know Tobii, an eye gaze speech output device. He’s happy to use it at school, but still prefers to use the language we have developed over the years of him smiling, frowning, occasionally uttering words, and us mostly guessing…I think it amuses him, until it doesn’t, and it’s tiring to use Tobii all of the time, especially after long school days. He’ll get there. He uses a gait trainer at school too, and prefers to play baseball on his feet, with adult support. We were told he’d never walk but he runs with help, or in his gait trainer…and dances! HE LOVES DANCING.

Because he’s always known inclusion, and has never been segregated because of his disabilities, he doesn’t really identify with kids who are similarly abled to him. You have to like the things he likes or something that interests him to learn about. He surfs, skis, plays baseball and is now interested in volleyball (the girls are playing at school so there’s motivation to play). He loves music, swimming, dancing, and cooking. He eats very little by mouth, and decided some time ago that he’s a vegetarian, though he’ll nibble on sushi. He finds comfort watching old Nick shows that he loved when he was little (Little Bill, Blues Clues) but he also loves Ellen, Dog with a Blog and About A Boy. He’s like that with music too…He’ll listen to Weezer and Coldplay and One Republic, but then when he’s feeling tired or anxious, he wants things he loved when he was small like Ralph’s World and They Might Be Giants. His brain is a curious place.

He likes to travel and is desperate to see Paris. I’m not sure why exactly but it may be my influence as it’s one of my favorite cities. I came back to this today because we’re gearing up for the family summer road trip. We’re visiting the Grand Canyon, first time for all three of us, at the end of July, and are taking the long way there with a couple of days in Las Vegas…We’ve heard the Lazy River is a must do for kids so we thought why not. Brights Lights and then one of the most magnificent sights in nature…a great contrast in just a few days! Travel with the boy is always interesting. We’ve grown pretty adept at making just about anything work.

We might do things differently but we’ve really never not done something we really wanted to do. I’ll never put him a position of not trying to make something work. I’ll never short change him of an adventure or experience if he’s passionate about it.

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Back to School

August 8, 2012 - Leave a Response

The start of school means the end of summer despite the temperatures hitting over 105 degrees in the Valley where we live.  The boy returns to school on Monday.  He’ll be starting the 5th grade.  I had a flash this morning while unloading my drycleaning of him nestled in the baby bjorn smiling at the drycleaner while I did the same unloading eight or nine years ago.  Nothing made me happier than to have him with me in the bjorn.  I kept in it until his feet practically touched the ground.  I couldn’t bear to not have him so close…

Monday he’ll be a 5th grader.  Big man on campus in the elementary school.  Still doing his best to maintain his status as the unofficial welcoming committee to the school.  He has managed the art of providing comfort and security to new students, younger students, and troubled friends.  He’s proven to all that he’s a good, caring friend, who can laugh with the best of them, and make the best of them laugh.  All without saying a literal word.  He’s amazing.

The big curiosity is who will be in his class.  All of the kids are desperate to know which teacher they have and more importantly which friends will be in their class.  We know the boy’s teacher so his interest in the classmates.  One of his girl friends told him recently that she hopes her class is all girls and only one boy, him.  She said, because you are magnicificent!  He beamed.  It’s his new favorite word, along with “zucchini”. 

We have a team meeting this week, before school even starts, which makes me feel very positive about the direction this school year will take.  He’s got a new gait trainer waiting for him that provides better head support so that he’ll be able to walk more purposefully and hopefully for longer periods of time.  Perhaps he’ll even be able to play baseball in it!  He’s going to be trying some new communication devices – an eye gaze voice output, and a couple of others, in search of the best device to enable him to “talk” as quickly as he thinks.  Starting out with a team meeting before school even starts will make the transition smoother and give the boy an opportunity to check out his class and new teacher.  It’s exciting, and even more so, encouraging.

 

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Independence

July 26, 2012 - Leave a Response

Independence has become a challenging proposition for our family.  The boy is nearing eleven years and is starting to crave the opportunity to have some independence, and we want nothing more for him to have this.  The question is, how does someone who is dependent on others for nearly everything, gain independence?  What does independence look like to him?  For him? 

His first taste of a form of independence came when he started pre-school.  He didn’t have the anxiety about mom leaving him somewhere.  He welcomed it.  After three years of nothing but mom, he was ready to test his skills with out me.  He quickly learned that most of his basic needs could be met with the assistance of other trusted people.  Other people could, and would, take care of his personal needs.  Could learn to feed him.  And could take him around the pre-school classroom and play yard and facilitate his play and learning.  In the early years, the four hours of pre-school were enough time to be away from me.  He was happy to be back with me for the afternoon.  

Once he started elementary school, where the hours were slightly longer, he again was satisfied with the amount of time, and experiences, away from me.  I started working part time when he was in 1st grade and hesitantly tried the aftercare program the school offered.  Turns out he loved that nearly as much as he loved school, and the growing hours on his own (i.e. without support of his parents) was exactly what he craved. 

I understand and appreciate that he needs to have independent experiences and life outside of our family.  I want him to have that.  I wish that he could share it with me though, through telling me about his day or his thoughts about particular things.  That’s where it becomes difficult for me.  There are so many things, even simple exchanges with friends, that I know nothing about, that I’ll never know about.  Things that other children can share with their parents if they choose to.  Things that perhaps I should know about. 

The new independence that faces us is how to allow him to have experiences with friends that don’t require a parent to be the only parent in the swimmig pool, or in the playroom, or at the birthday party.  He needs someone, an adult, to be with him to support his needs, but he absolutely does not want one to be there.  We’re experimenting tonight at swimming/bbq event.  We’re bringing one of his paras (para-professionals are the twenty somethings who provide support at school), to the party with us to swim and do kids stuff with him and the other children.  We’re hopeful that it will feel less invasive to all if it’s not a parent.  If it works, perhaps that will be the new wave of independence.  Someone cooler, hipper, younger, than parents can take him to parties, and fun…but still be able to handle the needs aspect of his day. 

I can’t begin to imagine how it must feel to want something so badly and to know that it’s something you can never really have.  It breaks my heart…

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Surfing Saturday

July 24, 2012 - Leave a Response

The boy surfed on Saturday for the first time since he had his surgery last year.  His last surfing outing, around Father’s Day 2011, didn’t go so well.  It was a cold day, and the water was still really icy.  Sitting out waiting for waves lost a lot appeal, and only catching two waves left my shivery, blue lipped boy not all that keen to surf again, despite his years long passion for it!  He approached this past outing with apprehension and nerves.  We tried not to get too excited or invested in the day because we’re slowly learning that hype translates to either overexcitement or whining.  Neither works.  So we went to the beach, and voila…there were the TheraSurf crew and friends waiting to sweep him into the ocean!  Wrangling the boy into a wet suit is an accomplishment in itself…He’s not able to help, and his spasticity kicks in so his limbs are bending and straining to go one way and we’re trying to stick them into tight neoprene sleeves and legs in a completely different direction…But he got suited up and tucked into a life vest, plopped on a surf board with a great surfer behing him, and off they go…paddling out, and then paddling in to catch their first wave…

He’s still looking a little nervous…We’re feeling a little mean for making him do it…but we feel like if just tries it again and remembers how much he’s loved it in the past, he’ll get over the apprehension from last summer and from the surgery.  And they catch a wave…and another and another…and the boy remembers…

Even more so after we got home and the next day.  Sometimes it takes him time to process experiences a bit before he connects the emotions to the experience.  Now when  asked about it, it’s all smiles and laughter, and when asked if he wants to go again, it’s a giant YES!!!  My beach boy is back!

 

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Walk this way…

January 31, 2012 - One Response

Our school has an annual event to raise money to sustain our music program. As an LAUSD Charter school, our already depleted funds were cut even more significantly and our music program was on the ledge. The Walk-N-Roll-A-Thon was born out of desperation and that first year raised nearly $60,000, keeping music in our school, and providing a slush fund for the following year. The 4th annual was this past Friday. The whole event was terrific. I actually chair the event and with the help of lots of wonderful volunteers, we pull off three separate walks throughout the school day. Middle school, kindergarten, and grades 1-5. The kids collect sponsors and then walk around our track to fun soundtracks and get stamped on their lap bibs for each lap. It’s pretty simple, not a lot of overhead, and it’s highly profitable and fun. There are prizes for the highest lap earners in each grade and prizes for any class who has 100% participation. And everyone, parents, teachers, children alike, will agree that the biggest prize is keeping music in our school.

This year, my biggest prize was watching the boy walk four laps around the track with the aid of his para-professional Chelsea. He’s never walked during the event before. He’s usually a roller. This year he wanted to walk and walk he did. I even saw him running a little bit! It was amazing and there were joyful tears from quite a lot of people who saw him moving himself around the track. This just five months after he had hip replacement and reconstructive surgery. This just five months after he had his tendons lengthened. This just five months after hell. I don’t think anyone expected him to be doing so well even five months after the procedures. He was in casts until mid-September and only starting to bear weight in October. I don’t think anyone expected him to be so strong and sure footed. And yet he walked, ran and danced his way around the track – Four Times!! I couldn’t be more proud or inspired by the boy and his wonderful walk…

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Five Minutes

January 20, 2012 - Leave a Response

Time is one commodity completely eludes me.  Despite my efforts to stretch the given twenty four hours each day, I find that they’re eaten up by little bites of five minutes. My husband is traveling so I’m solo for the next coming days and the bites have become very defined:  It takes five minutes to wake and unwrap  the boy (he sleeps in bracing), five minutes to get him settled and find a TV show for him to watch, five minutes to get his breakfast ready and coffee brewing, five minutes to run through the sixty emails that have arrived since bedtime, five minutes to collect and start a load of laundry, five minutes to toss the ball to the dogs so they feel the love, five minutes to take a quick pass at cleaning up the kitchen, five minutes to get the dogs fed and to ply me with coffee, five minutes to shower, five minutes to dress, five minutes to dry my hair, five minutes to attempt pretty, five minutes to collect the dynavox, homework, lunch and pack it all up in the car, five minutes to make up the beds and wipe down the bathroom counter, to get the boy changed and dressed, five minutes to do braces and shoes and get him set in wheelchair, five minutes to get him tethered into the van and get the music set up and us ready to leave for school…and we’re off…

Don’t get me started with the bites taken commuting in traffic.  Yesterday I drove the boy twenty minutes north to school, returned south for an hour and forty five minutes to work, and then in the afternoon an hour from work to pick him up at school and twenty minutes to home…Over three hours of my days wasted driving.  Oh how I wish the commute was just five minutes!

Categorized in Family Life

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