COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN (Led Zeppelin)
November 12, 2019

Twenty something years of being together and I’m realizing that my husband and I have some serious communication issues.  Instead of developing a shorthand, instinctual and deeper sense of understanding one another, as couples are apt to do after being together for so long, we seem to be doing the opposite and it’s causing hurt, frustration and distance.

He thinks I treat him disrespectfully, with responses that are mostly piss and vinegar.  I think he takes things too personally.  My being frustrated when I get home from a long day at work, spend three of those hours in stop and go traffic each day, needing just a few minutes of down time to transition to being home and taking a breath, is not a sign that I’m not happy to see him or that I see him as the cause of my angst.  I’m simply not always able to burst through the door, offering smiles and kisses the second I get out of the car.  It’s absolutely nothing personal.

I’m not always kind.  I know this of myself and I’m not proud of it.  I work hard to try to be better but I think the unfortunate nature of marriage or relationships is that we have a tendency to take things out on the people closest to us.  Part of that is simply proximity.  Part of it is a sense of trust – people we love can see us at our worst and still love us.  Part of that is a belief – however wrong it may be – that they know they’re not the root of the anger and frustration just the dumping ground.  I’ve come to understand that these theories are not actually true.  Particularly in the case of my relationship, the latter.

I’m not sure how one goes about changing patterns and habits that are well established from childhood.  I suppose the fact that I can admit to or have awareness of my behaviors is the first step, though I struggle to get past that one step.  I also feel like I can’t be the only one stepping.  I can take responsibility for my words and my actions but I cannot influence how they are heard or taken.  I can’t change someone’s expectation or anticipation of my presence.

The nature of our communication is stunted in some ways because we are almost never together without Cole present as well.  it’s hard to have adult conversation, or even complete conversations about anything without him being there and often not pleased about us talking to one another or the feeling that a particular conversation may not be best had in front of him (like discussing our concerns about his upcoming surgery or my husband’s travels or a night out).  It’s not natural and we rarely pick any of those conversations back up because we’re almost never alone, just the two of us in a room when we can have real conversations.

Anyone else have communication issues?  Any thoughts on how to improve things?

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I recently heard about a colleague’s attempt to do so by having a night a week where she and her husband turn off electronics and spend the evening playing a game and talking, be it cards, Yahtzee, or whatever.  She says it’s done wonders in terms of them appreciating one another more…A fun idea that sounds worth the try!

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THAT OLD FEELING
November 16, 2015

No matter what your circumstances, marriage is hard. Whenever you have two different people approaching anything together there’s bound to be some give and take, and when it’s creating a life together, and raising a child together, the potential for discontent becomes greater.

Throw in a child with special needs, who impacts your lives in many ways a typical child does not, the discontent grows. You can’t blame your child for the impact he has on your life. For the most part, his presence in your life is glorious, as with any child. But his needs will always take precedent and his influence is felt in nearly every decision.

Cole’s now fourteen, an age when many teens are starting to spend a couple of hours or more in the house alone whilst the parent(s) are out running errands, grabbing a bite of lunch with friends, working out, going to a movie, whatever. It’s an age where a lot of teens are also going out on their own, to the mall, parties, the movies, etc. Unfortunately, that’s not us, and it’s not Cole.

I’m certain Cole would love the opportunity to have the freedom to hang out with friends, doing something fun with out parents or adults. But he needs someone to support him, even if it’s just pushing his wheelchair, and making sure he’s included in the activity. The opportunity has never come up, not yet, but it’s also not something we can impose on his friends.

We don’t have great childcare at the moment and moving him is so much harder on him since the surgery, which leaves us with little opportunity for date nights and the like. Not having alone time puts a lot of stress on a marriage. You’d think not spending time together would prevent it but I find the disconnect makes things so much harder. It often feels like two people moving through a life side by side, but not together.

I’ve given it a lot of thought because my husband was traveling quite a bit these past months and given to my own devices, I create my own routines and it’s then hard for him to break back in to the fold. We bickered and bitched for the first weeks that he was home, and just this weekend things started to feel reconnected. We didn’t pick on one another, we accomplished things, and we relaxed a bit. I’m hopeful that we can continue on this path for the next few months where he’s homebound and not traveling. It’s nice to see glimpses of “us” again.

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Posted in cerebral palsy, Family Life, Life, Love, Marriage, Special needs parenting | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »