Twenty something years of being together and I’m realizing that my husband and I have some serious communication issues. Instead of developing a shorthand, instinctual and deeper sense of understanding one another, as couples are apt to do after being together for so long, we seem to be doing the opposite and it’s causing hurt, frustration and distance.
He thinks I treat him disrespectfully, with responses that are mostly piss and vinegar. I think he takes things too personally. My being frustrated when I get home from a long day at work, spend three of those hours in stop and go traffic each day, needing just a few minutes of down time to transition to being home and taking a breath, is not a sign that I’m not happy to see him or that I see him as the cause of my angst. I’m simply not always able to burst through the door, offering smiles and kisses the second I get out of the car. It’s absolutely nothing personal.
I’m not always kind. I know this of myself and I’m not proud of it. I work hard to try to be better but I think the unfortunate nature of marriage or relationships is that we have a tendency to take things out on the people closest to us. Part of that is simply proximity. Part of it is a sense of trust – people we love can see us at our worst and still love us. Part of that is a belief – however wrong it may be – that they know they’re not the root of the anger and frustration just the dumping ground. I’ve come to understand that these theories are not actually true. Particularly in the case of my relationship, the latter.
I’m not sure how one goes about changing patterns and habits that are well established from childhood. I suppose the fact that I can admit to or have awareness of my behaviors is the first step, though I struggle to get past that one step. I also feel like I can’t be the only one stepping. I can take responsibility for my words and my actions but I cannot influence how they are heard or taken. I can’t change someone’s expectation or anticipation of my presence.
The nature of our communication is stunted in some ways because we are almost never together without Cole present as well. it’s hard to have adult conversation, or even complete conversations about anything without him being there and often not pleased about us talking to one another or the feeling that a particular conversation may not be best had in front of him (like discussing our concerns about his upcoming surgery or my husband’s travels or a night out). It’s not natural and we rarely pick any of those conversations back up because we’re almost never alone, just the two of us in a room when we can have real conversations.
Anyone else have communication issues? Any thoughts on how to improve things?
I recently heard about a colleague’s attempt to do so by having a night a week where she and her husband turn off electronics and spend the evening playing a game and talking, be it cards, Yahtzee, or whatever. She says it’s done wonders in terms of them appreciating one another more…A fun idea that sounds worth the try!
I love your brain 