KID
January 27, 2015

My husband spent part of the weekend in Temecula with some of his coworkers to compete in one of those Spartan Races. You know, those obstacle, mud runs where you have to pass through freezing cold water, commando crawl under barbed wire, swing over mud pits and fling yourself up and over climbing walls all in the name of fun. It was his first time doing something like this and it was fun indeed. Challenging, grueling and fun. The whole group successfully completed the race, all without injury, and all leaving with a desire to do it again. But better.

I feel proud of him for finding a fun challenge that excited him and going after it. I also felt a little envious because I don’t often pursue the little things I might like to do for myself, or with friends. The Spartan Race is not my cup of tea, but there are lots of things that I’m keen to try or feel would be a fun activity. Childless activities. Yet, I don’t often allow myself the freedom to do so. My husband supports the idea of me taking a little “me” time, just as I encourage him to do the same. He’s just better at it than I am. I’m not sure why.

I had a brief conversation with a friend about this. She’s in a similar mindset. She’s happy to encourage her husband to enjoy a day of golf or whatever the pursuit may be, but is less apt to do the same. Both of our husbands travel so we each end up managing the family on our own at times. It would make sense to take a little time to ourselves to take in a movie, go for a hike, get a massage, or something random like a detox sweat (something I’m curious about) or shooting baskets at the park. Yet we rarely do.

For me, I feel a bit guilty about taking time away from Cole, even though he’s now at an age where he’s needing to take a bit of time away from me (from us) and is enjoying his own version of “me” time. He has so little time with me during the week due to my work schedule, so I feel like weekends are for him. The mom guilt tugs and pulls at me, and sometimes, he does too. I do know that he’s fine without me for a few hours, and that in the scope of a week, a month, a year, a life, a few hours to myself here and there are not going to have any kind of negative effect. More likely, those hours could have a positive impact.

This is something I need to improve upon. I am fine to make weeknight evening plans, like regular Mom’s Night Out dinners with my tribe, and board meetings for a non-profit I serve. Weeknight evenings are easier because if I go somewhere from work, I don’t have the influence of my son imploring me to stay home with him, and he doesn’t miss me much since he has his dad and weeknight routine. It’s the weekends, when a few lost hours would be most rejuvenating that I can’t seem to allow myself to stray.

I recognize the value of taking time to myself, both in terms of my sanity and my stress relief. I know it’s important to value yourself and to “put yourself on the list” as I often read. I know when I do make time for myself or follow through with things like taking better care of myself, I am happier, healthier and in many ways better equipped to share myself, my time, and my care with my son and my husband. I know all of this to be true, yet…

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LOST IN THE SUPERMARKET (Series – 3)
January 26, 2015

I decided to try to make my own energy bars. I like the bars that are just dried fruit and nuts so it seems more economical to make my own, and it gives me the ability to design my own combinations. They’ll be great for mid-afternoon snack at work…a cup of green tea and a little bar make for a perfect afternoon pick me up.

Cherry Almond Date Bars:

1 cup of dried Bing Cherries
1 cup of raw almonds
1 ½ cups pitted dates

1. Throw everything into a food processor and pulse until it’s well incorporated. I left mine a little chunky in terms of the almonds because I prefer the bit of crunch from the nut as opposed to it being more a paste. You can do whatever pleases you.

2. Tumble the mixture into an 8×8 pan, pressing it so it’s flat and smooth. Cover with wrap and place it in the refrigerator for at least two hours to set. Cut into bars. Alternatively, you can roll the mixture into balls too if that’s more pleasing to you.

3. They’ll keep for about a week or two if stored in the fridge.

They came out really well. I love the combination of flavors and the simplicity of them. There’s just enough sweetness from the dates, complimented by the tart cherries and crunchy almonds. The bars are tasty and satisfying.

I think next time I make some bars I’m going to add a few other things. You need the dates to hold things together but you can play with the amount if want less sweetness, cut it back to one cup. Then go wild…try different fruit and nut combinations, add some granola or chia seeds, for more depth, add cacao nibs or cocoa powder, or a bit of almond butter for a creamier texture…you can even dip them in melted dark chocolate to make them feel really decadent.

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I AM THE DJ (Series – 7)
January 23, 2015

Whoo Hoo!!! One week into January and Cole was ready to give up the holiday music. He’s listened to the Annie soundtrack quite a lot but mostly with my husband and he willingly gave Daft Punk and Panda Bear a try with the guys when they went to Santa Monica last weekend. And liked it!

With me his go to is Coldplay and Nick Waterhouse. I meant to create a new playlist for January 2015 on Spotify early in the month but am only getting around to doing it now. This month has soared by. Among the songs I’m going to introduce him to this weekend are the following eclectic mix:

1. Catfish & The Bottlemen – Kathleen
2. Ify Jerry Krusad – Everybody Likes Something Good
3. Vampire Weekend – Step
4. Tinariwen – Tenere Taqqim Tossam
5. Mitski – Townie
6. Stone Roses – Fools Gold
7. Wire Train – Chamber of Hello
8. Sleater Kinney – Fangless
9. Belle & Sebastian – The Party Line
10. Bombay Bicycle Club – Luna

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IN MY ROOM
January 22, 2015

I came home a little early tonight because my husband had a meeting to attend. Cole usually loves it when I’m home early and we have a “mom-Cole” night. We usually do a little sharing of our days, a quick pass through his school binder, and then we usually settle in and watch a little TV, have dinner together, bath, maybe a little reading and bed. It’s nothing special but it’s just the two of us and we both used to really enjoy the little time together.

Tonight, however, the teenage boy that I now know as my son, preferred to spend the evening in his room. He’d already started his dinner in his room when I got home because he was really hungry, and once my husband took off, I suggested he come hang out with me in the living room. No thanks, mom. I want to stay in my room. The whole time!

I had dinner alone, not sure of what to do with myself. It’s so strange to be home in the house with Cole but not to be in the same room. I know it’s a typical teenage behavior and I am so pleased that he likes hanging out in his room. I’m just not used to it. For thirteen years he’s been unwilling to be alone in a room and now out of nowhere he loves it!

I can certainly get used to this growth. I feel like it’s a positive change for everyone. We enjoyed several dinners in the dining room sans Cole (who was happily hanging out in his room) during the weekend while our friend was visiting, and tonight I did a little guilt free work while I had dinner on my own. I still kind of missed him though…

Cole and I are on our own Saturday and Sunday this weekend…I’m hoping he’ll want to spend some of the home time with me! If not, I’m making some plans of my own…hello facemask and pedicure! Maybe find a movie or two to watch…a little house project I’ve been putting off…quiet dinners with my husband in a candlelit dining room.

I’m starting to see the possibilities of this new routine!

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YELLOW
January 21, 2015

When asked to describe my son on paper, he sounds pretty dire.

I just completed the required registration forms for his March ski adventure and had this realization. Most often, I think of him in terms of all that he does, all that he is. Inherently, I know he’s in a wheelchair, can only walk with support of an adult or equipment, requires special seating to keep him supported, is fed through a g-tube, and doesn’t speak.

These things are obvious but they’re never how I see him.

I like to tell him he’s my “yellow”. We both love that Coldplay song and while yellow is not a color I adore, in the context of the song, it’s a color I attribute to my boy. The stars do shine for him.

When I think of him I think of funny things he shares with me or of him skiing down a mountain, laughing or of him getting mischievous with my mom when we’re running weekend errands together. He’s just a boy like any other. Unique and perfect just as he is…

It feels strange to leave the description as simple as the diagnosis and challenges without adding all of the adjectives that I attribute to him when I speak of him or imagine him in my mind. He’s funny, smart, brave, and friendly.

He welcomes everyone into his inner circle and makes one feel content to be around him. He loves to dance, and goof around, and to make people laugh. He likes adventure and sports and isn’t afraid of doing things differently. His smile lights up rooms and his laugh can melt ice.

He’s so much more than anything I can describe on paper or with words.

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IN MY LIFE
January 20, 2015

My husband’s oldest and dearest friend has been in town visiting from Baltimore during this past long weekend. He’s an educator and is coming to visit our amazing charter school, CHIME Community School. The charter at our school is inclusion and he’s interested to see if there are practices that he can bring back to his school. So we’ve been lucky to have the long weekend to hang out with him and more than anything, Cole and I have had the fun of seeing the two of them together.

Being blessed with some friendships that have thrived for over forty years now, I completely appreciate the bond that comes with growing up with someone and continuing to love them decades later. My husband moved a bit when he was young, and even as an adult, but has maintained a close, tight bond with his friend. They met when they were 11 years old and are now both 43. There’s something so dear in watching the two of them together. Time and spatial distance don’t seem to matter. Seeing them, relaxed, chatting and laughing together warms my heart.

Friendships like theirs are to be treasured and I know how deeply my husband values their bond. I wish they lived closer to one another because the effect of them spending time together is better than a spa weekend. There’s a joyful light in my husband’s eyes and he seems renewed. I feel like that when I’ve had some “old friend time” too, so I recognize the delight.

It makes me happy to see, and Cole seems to find it equally delightful. He’s completely taken with the two of them. He happily spent the afternoon wandering around Santa Monica with the guys, and still couldn’t get enough of the two of them. I hope that he has the fortune to have a dear, old friend or two or three when he gets older…there’s nothing quite so special.

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LOST IN THE SUPERMARKET (Series – 2)
January 17, 2015

One of my husband’s oldest and dearest friends is coming to visit from Baltimore, arriving later today. He’s been a vegan for his entire adult life. We will be sharing lots of meals over the next few days so I want to cook and not just take out food. We always bring in Indian food so I wanted to do something different. We don’t intentionally prepare vegan meals for no other reason than we don’t have to. There are things I randomly make that are vegan in nature, though I often compromise them by adding cheese to finish thing like ratatouille, one of my favorite things ever! I decided, to add protein to the meal, I’d start with a quinoa base and serve some sort of veggie mix over it.

Quinoa is a great base for savory and sweet. I’ve made this basic recipe and added dried fruits and nuts with a drizzle of maple syrup for an easy, satisfying breakfast. I’ve also added left over peppers and onions to it with a fried egg, sprinkled with some Aleppo peppers for a savory breakfast.

For Josh, I’m going to do a fall veggie stew…Inspired by the great squashes and greens in the market right now. I might add some toasted walnuts to it but below is my initial recipe…straight out of my head…

Basic Quinoa Recipe
1 cup quinoa
1/3/4 cup water
Sea or kosher salt to taste

1. Rinse or soak the quinoa before cooking.
2. Place the quinoa, water and a hearty pinch of salt in a large pot over high heat. Bring to a boil, and then lower the heat to a simmer.
3. Cover and cook for about 15 minutes until all of the liquid is absorbed (but the quinoa is still wet) and the germs have begun to spiral.
4. Turn off the heat, place a dry paper towel between the pot and the lid, and let sit for at least 5 minutes.
5. Fluff with a fork before serving.

Roasted Fall Vegetables
Butternut squash or any favorite pumpkin or squash – peeled and cubed into 1 inch pieces
Mushrooms, trimmed and cut into 1 inch pieces or if small enough left whole
Cipollini onions, peeled and left whole if small enough or cut in half
Cauliflower, broken down into bite sized pieces
Red Swiss Chard – leaves removed from stems and cut or torn into fairly large pieces
Garlic – add chopped cloves to taste – I love garlic so I’d use maybe four cloves
Aleppo Chili Flakes – big pinch
Fresh Thyme – about a tablespoon of the leaves removed from stems
Olive Oil
Salt and fresh cracked pepper to taste

1. Toss everything together on a sheet tray, making sure all of the veggies are coated with the olive oil and spices.
2. Roast at 400 degrees in the middle of the oven for about 20 minutes until everything is tender and carmelized.
3. Finish with a drizzle of olive oil and sherry vinegar. Add a touch more salt and/or pepper if necessary.

Toasted walnuts would be a great addition to add a little crunch and earthiness, and of course, if you’re me, and not a vegan, a smattering of goat cheese would be a luscious addition…

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LET’S DANCE
January 16, 2015

Tonight is Cole’s middle school Winter Formal Dance. It will be held the school auditorium from 6-9pm. Cole’s going, It took him a while to decide whether or not he really wanted to but ultimately he decided he wanted to go.

He loves to dance, but in truth, he never really has a great time at these school dances. I’m not sure why. Probably the poor acoustics in the in auditorium making the music unbearably loud and the general chaotic nature of middle school dances. He’s not one for big loud or crowd.

However, I suspect that the lure lies, in no small part, in the desire not to miss out. Kids have been talking about it for the past couple of weeks. Everyone’s asking everyone if they’re going…trying to figure out if the cool kids will be there.

All of the kids in our little friend/family tribe have been wavering as to whether they’d attend or not, and slowly as the day approached, each decided to go in the end. Funny how they’ve all come to the same conclusion. No one wants to be the one who missed out.

Missing out on a school dance is a big deal when you’re thirteen. Even if you don’t really want to go, you could be missing out on the chance to witness something everyone will be talking about or to dance next to or with that cute guy or girl in your class, or to just have fun hanging out with your friends on the sidelines. Being the lone kid out on Monday morning when everyone is rehashing the dance feels terrible.

So off he’ll go in his cool dotted Crew Cuts button up with a contrasting striped tie (it is a formal)…ready to dance and have a memorable time with friends. I’ll probably be sipping wine somewhere nearby with the other parents as we wait for the kids to text us to come pick them up…kind of wishing I was dancing too…

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ALL BY MYSELF
January 15, 2015

I dream of finding a little alone time in my day, my week, my month, my life…

My weekday generally consists of waking around 6 am, going through the morning routine of getting everyone ready for school and work. The boys leave around 7:30 am, and I usually run around the house doing a little tidying, having some breakfast, and getting a jump on work emails before I head out to the office. I am guilty of using this time to dawdle too. It’s literally the only time I’m consistently alone in the house, ever.

Then I work…I work for an international film distribution and production company. It’s a business I’ve been in for about twenty years in one way or another. I currently do contracts and financing and formerly, pre-Cole, did international sales. I enjoy it. I work for an interesting company, with a great group of people, and am challenged by my work. I generally leave work by 6:30 and arrive home sometime around 7-7:15 pm.

My husband picks up Cole from school and usually has his homework and dinner handled by the time I get home. One of us then prepares our dinner, we try to cook most nights, and then we settle in to eat, bathe the boy, and get him tucked into bed by 8:30. He still prefers if I sit with him while he falls asleep, so I usually try to watch a one of my TV shows quietly while the boy falls asleep (my husband and I have some shows we enjoy together, and some not so much!), whilst playing Words With Friends or catching up on some favorite web news.

If I don’t fall asleep while putting Cole to bed, I’ll indulge in some TV with the husband and then do some reading (pre-bed reading is a must) before I fall asleep around 10:30. And then, it starts all over again. It’s very Groundhog Day.

There’s little opportunity in the day for alone time or me time. Maybe it’s selfish. There’s nothing specific I do when I have a bit of time to myself. In fact, I usually end up doing some of those little housey projects that never seem to get done – revamping the linens closet, or clearing out Cole’s old clothes and toys, or tossing all of the old tea from the cupboard (yes, tea expires as I’ve recently learned! That 2009 box of Christmas Chai is probably not going to taste very good!). All mundane, but all satisfying accomplishments. All simple tasks, but all things that an impatient, sometimes demanding child make so hard to do in the context of shared time.

And forget about the kind of me time where I can take the time to give myself a pedicure or manicure. The boys complain about the odors of the remover and polish making it harder to do in shared time.

Weekends tend to be more family time, or time that Cole and I spend together. Because I’ve got longer work hours and commute than my husband, they have several hours of time together that he misses with me, so come Saturday morning, he craves mom time. We usually try to get out of the house and do something, even if it’s just errands and our regular lunch with my mom. It gives my husband some time to himself…The boy is less inclined to go out with just dad during the weekend because he’s somehow come to view it as “our” time. Unless of course he’s holed his teenage self up his room to have his own alone time (his new favorite thing). I suppose I should learn to take advantage of his need for “me” time, and try to sneak a little of my own at the same time!

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WHEN I WRITE THE BOOK
January 14, 2015

This year I’m determined to learn how to better promote my blog. I’d at least like to figure out how to link it to a Facebook page I created for it. I’ve come to realize that I enjoy sharing my writing more than I previously thought I did. I don’t necessarily feel like I’m full of great wisdom or extraordinary insights or humor but I love the outlet writing gives me and I’ve come to understand that writers write to be read. While I may not be a writer per se, not yet anyway, I will admit that sharing my words is satisfying.

Writing is simply a medium of expression. Like an art, it’s best when shared. I harbor a dream of completing a novel that I’m writing. Well, of completing one of the projects I’ve started over the years. I kept journals for many years and thoroughly enjoy the art of letter writing. I save them and I send them. An actual letter through the post is a treasure. I have letters from my dad, my grandmas, old boyfriends and friends. I save the beautiful cards my husband gives me, and a small scrap of paper where he wrote a sweet nothing to me before I traveled when we were dating. I have a box somewhere with notes passed between girlfriends and I during class in middle and high schools. Words to paper make me swell with joy.

Since my early twenties, I’ve had countless false starts at writing my debut novel. For a short time I toyed with the idea of a collection of short stories. They’re a medium that I greatly admire. The art of the short story is far more of a challenge than a full blown novel because to create a magical short story, it has to unfold so much more quickly but still have the impact of completion. I’ve started all sorts of different chapters of different stories, never to finish any of them. It’s only recently that the idea struck for a book idea that I might actually finish. That accomplishment would feel amazing, even if nothing were to come of it. Just the idea of completing a book…it’s enough.

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