I love your brain

I’m feeling a rush of sadness of late.

Having spent quite a bit of time with Cole on my own these past weeks, I’ve had the pleasure of his company during all of my free hours. He seemed fairly content to just hang out with me during this time, and there weren’t many opportunities to plan outings or get-togethers with friends. We weekend lunched with Grandma, and did some running around town with her as well, but otherwise, it was just the two of us.

Many of his dearest friends are involved in sports. The girls have all discovered volleyball and play both on the school team and have just started league play, which will greatly reduce their weekend free time. The boys are doing soccer and wheelchair basketball. Cole’s opted out of baseball this season so he’s got more free time than usual.

I fear that the dreaded moving on is also occurring. While I know he’s loved dearly by his friends I worry that the day will come when he’s not keeping up as well, or where they’re moving on too fast. Despite caring about him, the girls will start doing independent group outings with other boys…and the boys will start doing the same. His independence will always be reliant on a caregiver or parent or older “friend”. Not exactly the ideal baggage for him to carry on group outings or dates.

I know I’m getting ahead of myself and of him but sometimes things like this get stuck in my head and I need to sort them out for the moment. Advance prep for when the situations actually arise? I just want his future to be rich and full. Teenage years are hard enough when you’re typical, but when you feel typical on the inside and your body somewhat fails you, teenage years seem daunting.

I don’t want him to have to spend his weekends with me, or with my husband and I. I want him to experience the rises and falls of teenage life as much as he can. I want him to fall in love and more than anything I want him to be loved.